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Why me

Why me why did you choose me why me everything was perfect or so I thought

you were perfect or so I thoughtI never thought we would end or atleast not the way it did I thought we were something forever and so did everyone else or so they said apparently you had another someone more perfect than I ever was. You said that you guys were just friends you  told me not to worry about her but then things started to pop  up on her page from your username perfect stunning  beautiful gorgeous these words that I did not see myself as, I looked in the mirror and I saw ugly fat gross

You see I was not perfect,I was not perfect for you. I had these images  in my head that you were somehow in love with me that you were perfect and I did not want to damage that perfect picture that you had instilled in my brain. Every time something went wrong I did not put the  blame on you, when you put your hands on me the blame was on me that I did something wrong I deserved it when you were flirting with other girls,  not your fault my fault blame on me once again because you were perfect I am was in the  wrong because I am imperfection

Why me?  you left me emotionally dead I could not move and the only thing that could heal was you and you left me for dead. You did not care for when I was drowning in the ocean you put me in, you were swinmming safely to shore to someone who was there for you for four years and I was told not to worry about her that I was the one you wanted but why me why lie to me why put me through the  pain of something I’ve gone through so many times the same words I will not hurt you but yet the same hurt. The same heartbreak  was put on me, that you promise not to put on to me. 

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Not a term I would personally describe myself but maybe a model on the tv or those really pretty girls in school. 

I will never be one of those girls. 

Those girls who can fit in size two and never have difficulties finding their sizes or fitting into things. Those girls who have a gap between there arms and when they lay down don’t look huge. 

I will never not have these problems. 

I will never look in the mirror and accept myself. I will never have a thigh gap or twig arms. I will never have a slim image and a flat stomach. My hipbones won’t peak out and I will never look flattering in a bikini. 

I will never be skinny. 

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I was given brown eyes But he, but he was given blue eyes. 

Like the color of oceans and skies. 

A color you would never forget. 

You knew when he was sad his eyes would turn the color of a stormy sky, gray

Depending on what he wore his eyes would change. He had a pretty green to them sometimes. 

I would never forget. How could I?

I look up to the sky and it would be like getting lost in his eyes all over again. 

But that would be something I never get to do again. 

Those eyes never glance at me anymore. 

Those eyes don’t tell stories of the love he had for me anymore. 

Those eyes will never be mine to gaze into anymore. 

For those eyes shine bright for another pair of eyes. 

For those eyes shed their last tear for me. 

Those eyes now looking back were an ice color the chill I feel down my back whenever I think back on our memories. 

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“What’s Wrong?” 

“What’s wrong?”

What’s wrong? What’s wrong is that you left, you took my heart and you ran. Can I have it back? Because fuck its hard to move forward when I keep looking back. And the funny things is that your not in my life but you are holding me back. And my empty chest needs to be filled with love and emotions because I’ve stopped caring. And all around me are dark clouds and your memories stuck in my head. Everywhere I look I see your face and everything I see brings back pain in some way. You were my everything and then you ripped my chest into shreds dug in there and took what ever was left but thanks for leaving a small piece but of course that small piece is attached to you. 

“What’s wrong?” 

Oh nothing I’m fine thanks for asking me. Have a nice day. See you around. 

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I am I, but not me am I

I am I, but not me am I 

I am not human, but a test subject. I am not worthy of love but to be played with. 

I have walked many miles, but the destination I have not yet reached. I cried many tears, but I have not weeped them all. 

I have loved many souls, but my own goes without self-love. Self-hatred and body shaming. A view of myself of not human but some monster in this skin

I am I, but not me am I 

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A Generation of lies and deciet, soley based on faith and political speakers. A Generation so against the word defeat we rather kill our own men then stop to think. We grew up as kids thinking being adults would be great that we’d find a meaning along the way. But, as I grow in age this empty void that was promised to be filled by surrounding adults grew deeper and deeper with a black sorrow. A Generation so afaird of speaking out and being heard we rather kill ourselves to be known that we felt a pain inside. A society that teaches us to love ourselves immensely but not to much that we become conceited but how can I love myself, to truly feel beautiful where I am in a society that says based on my weight and face that I am not pretty. That I am not worthy of such affection because of imperfections and flaws I could not have stopped. A Generation where we all have dying flowers inside of us and no one to water them because why show affection when becoming heartless can help you protect yourself. But in all this self-protect and self-doing, we’re missing out on community events and making friends. Creating freindships of lifetimes and learning lessons.  A Generation where we as mankind rather stop and pick up a random dollar bill on the street then to stop and help pick up an emptied purse. Tell me when we as a Generation became something we all regreted. Tell me when we as a Generation became something so hated. 

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Today I watched you slip away through a crowd of blurry faces, I wanted to run and pull you back, hold you tight and demand you back. 

Today I heard, you’re done with me. You stopped caring and you threw away our pictures. Some part of me hated you but I didn’t stop loving you. 

Today I saw you hold her hand and looked into her eyes with the same look you once gave me. She laughed and you laughed back. I smiled knowing you were happy but cried because I was not. 

Today I saw you sad, for what reason I know not, but she kissed your forehead and held you close a job I once owned. I went into class and cried, you asked me what was wrong but I could not tell. 

Today I looked into another’s eyes and found love in them. Today I loved another one. Today I found myself moving on. Today I realized I am worthy of love