Posted in Depression, Uncategorized

The Night I don’t Remember

I guess you could say it was all just a dream...
The ones you wake up from and have no recognition from.
Except in this case, all you know is what the others are telling you.
You wake up scared and confused, Where am I? What am I doing here? How   did I get here?
At first none of it makes sense and you are in a strong sense of disbelief. 
Here we see the five stages of grief. 
Stage 1: Denial- that would never happen, I would never do that, I don'tbelieve you.
Stage 1b: Isolation- don't touch me, I don't deserve you, stay away.
Stage 2: Anger- how could this happen, why would you let me do that.
Stage 3: Bargaining- please god I'll do anything please don't let him   leave me, please God take this all back let this be a bad dream please.
Stage 4: Depression- I shouldn't be living, I should just die, Life     would be better without me, he would be better without me.
and last but not least
Stage 5: Acceptance: Well I can't change what happened but I can work on making everything better from here on out.
Which each stage comes with a new realization of what had all gone down. How I so badly wanted to blame him for letting me drink too much or that he had let me out of his sights or that he hadn't gotten more control of the situation, but no, this was no where near his fault and only the     blame could fall on one person, and that one person was me.
And it wouldn't be a lie if I said that as I was typing this it doesn't  take every ounce in my body not to relapse tonight. 
You hear people talk all the time about something that happened and you  laugh because you know they were never even there.
Try being there and not know what happened at all.
I rather talk out of my ass about something that I never took apart of   then to be sitting here, right in this very moment, trying to wrap my    brain around every missing puzzle piece and trying to clear up the fog   that was currently engulfing any remaining pieces from the night I don't remember.