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“Why don’t you love yourself?”

“Why don’t you love yourself”

My mom used to say a while back, you will never have a successful relationship until you love yourself. How can I love myself though? I don’t see my worth. I don’t see how beautiful I am. Or atleast thats what I am constantly told. My mom tells me its cause of my dad. 

My dad. 

Those two words always came with a sudden sadness and I guess my mom was somewhat right. My dad broke my heart before any stupid boy could come along to do so. See I have never heard the words ” you are beautiful” or any of the sorts from the father. I guess that could be some sort of reasoning behind my self-loath towards myself.  

Me. 

How can I blame others though? Its my fault. Shouldn’t I be able to see my beauty… Throughout the years I have been called the worst but the only thing getting me through was not believing them. Or was I just pushing aside the words. And deep down I did believe them. 

“Why don’t you love yourself?” 

And honestly I don’t know the answer to that question. Because it could be so many reasons. 

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Fear

Do you know what it feels like to die? To feel like you are dying is to fall in love and then have it ripped apart. To have love notes and memoirs shreeded in front of  you. To have ever inch of your body crumble to the floor as you hear his words “i don’t love you anymore…” And when people ask me what I’m most scared of the answer is not spiders or heights but the fear of falling in love.
The fear to kiss his lips and feel butterflies. The fear of cuddling all day in a dark room getting to know each other. The fear of loving him too hard and becoming to close. The fear of lies and betrayal. The fear of no mutual feelings. The fear of goodbye. I fear love. I fear loving someone.