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Abused Love

I am used for my love, for the way I love so hard. I am naive to the things around me for the way I see things. I am hurt because I am so forgiving. And you took all of those weaknesses and used them to your liking. 

3 years. 3 years we talked, fell in love ( well i did, i dont know about you, cuz you lied so much ), we kissed, we shared memories, and other stuff. 

You told me you loved me. And you kissed me. You told me you loved me. And you put your arms around me. You told me you loved me. As you pulled off my clothes. You told me you loved me as your proceeded to fuck me. You told me you loved me. As you help put back on my clothes. You told me you loved me. As I called you sobbing because you left me. 

You told me you hated me. Each time I heard another rumor you were talking bad about me. You told me you hated me. Each time we would fight. You told me you hated me. When you decided what I gave to wasnt good enough and you picked her instead of me. You told me you hated me. When you told me to kill myself. 

I did love you. The love you say you had for me was a lie you told so you were able to abuse my love. You knew that the simple 3 words coming from your mouth would make me weak and cave. You did not love me. And its time I move on. 

Goodbye Christian. 

……forever

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Self-Harm 

Taking another hit, brings me closer to dying. Taking another hit, makes me want to vomit. Light-headed and dizzy. Can barley walk as the nicotine flows through my veins as it hits my brain. Comatose. 

Love harded, brings me closer to dying. Love harded, makes me want to vomit. Blinded and confused. Can barley sleep at night as the memories replay in my brain. Comatose. 

Drink more, brings me closer to dying. Drink more, makes me want to vomit. Dizzy and blabbering. Can barley talk as the alcohol invades my system. Comatose

We love to do the things that cause us the most damage. We love to do the things that bring us more heartbreak. We love to do the things that cause us dying. 

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Goodbye

Bye. Farewell. 

Maybe in another time. Another day, we will be crossing the street and I will bump into you. Maybe my arm will brush against yours and our eyes meet. Maybe we’ll speak. Maybe we’ll just pretend not to remember our younger years. But not today. I will not message you and beg. I will not come running back, cuz thats what you expect. I demand to hear you say I miss you. I demand you to saying I’m sorry. I demand you come back this time. But for now goodbye. I can’t take the stabs. I can’t take the pain. The way you play me over and over like a broken record. Maybe one day I’ll run into you at the store buying bread for your family or at the local bar drinking away your lonliness. Maybe you’ll be rich maybe you’ll be poor. Maybe one day we’ll meet again but till then farwell. Goodbye. My good ol’ friend. 

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New Year, New Pain

It all started 2 days before New Year’s Eve, Tuesday, I saw him, the love of my life. Or so I thought. He played with these words and kissed my forehead, but forehead kisses turn to cheek kisses and cheek kisses to mouth kisses, and mouth kisses moved into sex. We were connected, something new, I drove home happy. From Tuesday Night into Thursday Night those were the happiest moments of my life. But happy for me usually doesn’t last long, and my fantasy was about to come to an end. New Year’s Eve I was back at his house and we were alone before the party was to start and we made love, like never before. I was so happy, and in love. He kissed me and told me he loved me. I believed him. He lied. 9pm rolls around and she walks in. He jumps right up runs to the door and hugs her all tight. My heart sank to the floor and the tears whelmed in my eyes I rushed to the bathroom where I locked the door and sank to the floor, pleading to god to take me away. I walked out to the bathroom with red eyes, found the nearest bottle and chugged till it stinged, shots of fireball till it burned, vodka, and kinky; shot after shot till the room was fuzzy. But the pain was still there so I turned to nicotine  a familiar friend. Till walking was hard. He kept apologizing but alcohol kissed lips where unblinding his bullshit. He didnt love me. He used me. He didnt care if I drove home wasted. He didnt care he fucked me.

He doesn’t care I can’t sleep. He doesn’t care I can’t look at myself. He doesn’t care I loved myself so much I destroyed myself. He doesn’t care.