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Bestfriend

He was my bestfriend. I told him everything. I came to him with every problem. He was there ever night suicide crept into my mind. I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him in more than a friend way. I fell in love with the way his hair would fall or the way his eyes shined or dullen. I fell in love with his scent. His laugh. I fell in love with his stubborn ways and the connection he had with his sister. I fell in love with the way his eyes would look at me.  I fell in love with the way he bit his lips. I fell in love. I thought maybe the feeling was neutral but he had a girl so I stayed platonic. But everytime I had to hear him cry over her. How she treated him so badly it crushed my heart. He deserved better. I wanted to give him better. I loved him.

The first kiss

The first time we kissed my heart stopped and the world around me speed a million miles per second and the closer he pulled me too him the faster the world spun and this crazy sensation came to a speeding stop when I remember the words he told me the night before, “even if we do kiss, its not going to change a thing”. But something did change. Something changed with us. We weren’t just friends but soulmates. In my eyes atleast. He was everything I ever wanted, everything I still want. 

Present

I confessed I still love him. But it doesn’t matter. Two nights ago, he told me, he loved me but he wanted someone else. I was always the girl that if the others went wrong he turned to. But never the girl he date. Sucks. I want to hold his hand in the mall. Post photos of us kissing on the cheek. Share intimate moments together private and public. But I will never be the girl he will take out on a date. The girl he holds hands with in public. Just the girl he takes in the gym to hide his feelings for. The girl he will text and love over words. But not the girl he post statues about. The girl he will say I love you too but not the girl he’ll make official. And that is where it breaks my heart. 

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18 years of living 👽🍁💨 Living life on the edge of regret

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