Was I suppose to see the warning signs. Because I didn’t get the text update warning me about the huge storm about to arrive. And its not like I saw a change in behavior or a lack in our relationship/friendship. One day it was texting 24/7 and small hugs in the hallways. No secrets and telling each other every little detail about our days then one day the rain started and the boat started to rock still not enough to warn me and that damn text message still hadn’t sent me a goddamn storm update. But how could my phone update me on the emotional hurricane that was about to come an pick up my entire world and completely turn it upside down. And all in a second like a tornado or any natural disasters it seemed to happen in a flash with no sign. Everything was blown apart and out of control. We were out of control. I needed a warning. Stupid phone. My life had taken a turn to code red and I was no longer in the clear open path I had been staying on. Everything became confusing and my heart and my mind got jumbled all together and I couldnt tell the difference from the shouting and then I heard a gunshot ring out and it blasted through my heart, chaos was everywhere and my heart had won when my brain told me no. I was consumed by the storm that had rolled over and in that moment nothing had made sense then I remembered the gunshot and I looked down to see the damaged and when I looked at my blood soaked shirt I saw that my heart had been shattered.
Clattering to the bottom of my rib caged. Piece by piece. One piece chipped from this things. Another cracked by him. Chunks ripped apart and holes left from bullet wounds.
The worst kind of shattering feel the one that starts off by unrhymatized beating and rapid speeding of the pulse then it is a cringing feeling and the piece comes flying off all caused by what you ask? The three words “I love you”, the words that usually glue back the pieces but not when used in this way. The “I love you” that is said but not shown, especially by someone you would lay down and die for. Clatter. Bang. Shatter.
The second worst shredding of the beating organ, the one from seeing something that completely crushes you and brings your crumpling body to the cold lifeless floor. The one that makes you stop breathing and creates bloodshot eyes.
Clatter. Bang. Shatter.
One. One year ago.
Who was I? Not this girl. This girl I am today. I was shy and weak. Right away I was the girl people knew they could walk all over. I was the girl who did everything for anyone. I had no balls. No backbone. I was with a guy who turned out to be abusive not only emotionally but physically. I took it. I was that girl.
Who am I? I am not that girl. This girl I am today. I am confident and strong. Right away I am that girl that people know not to mess with. I am the girl who does everything for those who deserve it. I have balls and I have backbone stronger than cement and bricks combined. I no longer with a guy who is emotionally and physically abusive. I will not take it. I am this girl.
He was my bestfriend. I told him everything. I came to him with every problem. He was there ever night suicide crept into my mind. I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him in more than a friend way. I fell in love with the way his hair would fall or the way his eyes shined or dullen. I fell in love with his scent. His laugh. I fell in love with his stubborn ways and the connection he had with his sister. I fell in love with the way his eyes would look at me. I fell in love with the way he bit his lips. I fell in love. I thought maybe the feeling was neutral but he had a girl so I stayed platonic. But everytime I had to hear him cry over her. How she treated him so badly it crushed my heart. He deserved better. I wanted to give him better. I loved him.
The first kiss
The first time we kissed my heart stopped and the world around me speed a million miles per second and the closer he pulled me too him the faster the world spun and this crazy sensation came to a speeding stop when I remember the words he told me the night before, “even if we do kiss, its not going to change a thing”. But something did change. Something changed with us. We weren’t just friends but soulmates. In my eyes atleast. He was everything I ever wanted, everything I still want.
I confessed I still love him. But it doesn’t matter. Two nights ago, he told me, he loved me but he wanted someone else. I was always the girl that if the others went wrong he turned to. But never the girl he date. Sucks. I want to hold his hand in the mall. Post photos of us kissing on the cheek. Share intimate moments together private and public. But I will never be the girl he will take out on a date. The girl he holds hands with in public. Just the girl he takes in the gym to hide his feelings for. The girl he will text and love over words. But not the girl he post statues about. The girl he will say I love you too but not the girl he’ll make official. And that is where it breaks my heart.
Our date, trust me the excitement and brust of a new relationship had slowly filled a void I had in my soul. But something was wrong. I knew from the start that something was off but love was in the air and he was the “one”. Through many months we struggled with trust, betrayal, the fights. We stuck strong never to bluge or break. We where something. We wanted to prove something.
Most people saw us growing up getting married, saw us as goals, relationship goals. I saw us as goals. I never thought we would part ways. Maybe it was for the best though. Cuz’ we both moved on with other people. But the point of this post may make people hesitate to wether or not I really have moved on.
Does the sound of his name still make me cringe? Yes. Do his eyes still make my heart melt? Yes. Does an accidently brush of the arm send chills through my body? Yes. Does the sound of his voice and the smell of his cologne make my heart race? Yes. Do I hate his new relationship? No. Do I hate him? No.
The wind still sends a breeze through me now that he is gone. The sun still warmths my skin now that he is gone. Nothing has stopped. The world did not grieve in the end of some teenage love gone rouge. So tell me if nothing changed. Why did I? Why did I become filled with pain? Why did another day in december become a painful heartwrenching day?
You sit high on your throne. Judging all who don’t rest upon your standards. Oh mighty king tell me please what my plea is. You sit upon your all mighty ass and play the victim of the past. Oh mighty king tell me what is my punishment.
You sit high on your throne of shit. Judging those of greateness more than you. Oh petty fool tell me please why are you still mentioning my name? You sit upon your lazy ass crying woa me woa me. Oh petty fool tell me when you’ll learn to grow up.
You act tough and mighty like some beholder to the right of being a dick. Like you are the golden angel of no wrong and play victim like everyone has some how done you wrong.
You are a worthless opinion a mighty pain in my ass. Like some annoyance devil on my shoulder of taunting words and petty name calling. Telling me how I fucked you over and you did no wrong.
Guess you forgot what destroyed us.
Why me why did you choose me why me everything was perfect or so I thought
you were perfect or so I thoughtI never thought we would end or atleast not the way it did I thought we were something forever and so did everyone else or so they said apparently you had another someone more perfect than I ever was. You said that you guys were just friends you told me not to worry about her but then things started to pop up on her page from your username perfect stunning beautiful gorgeous these words that I did not see myself as, I looked in the mirror and I saw ugly fat gross
You see I was not perfect,I was not perfect for you. I had these images in my head that you were somehow in love with me that you were perfect and I did not want to damage that perfect picture that you had instilled in my brain. Every time something went wrong I did not put the blame on you, when you put your hands on me the blame was on me that I did something wrong I deserved it when you were flirting with other girls, not your fault my fault blame on me once again because you were perfect I am was in the wrong because I am imperfection
Why me? you left me emotionally dead I could not move and the only thing that could heal was you and you left me for dead. You did not care for when I was drowning in the ocean you put me in, you were swinmming safely to shore to someone who was there for you for four years and I was told not to worry about her that I was the one you wanted but why me why lie to me why put me through the pain of something I’ve gone through so many times the same words I will not hurt you but yet the same hurt. The same heartbreak was put on me, that you promise not to put on to me.
Not a term I would personally describe myself but maybe a model on the tv or those really pretty girls in school.
I will never be one of those girls.
Those girls who can fit in size two and never have difficulties finding their sizes or fitting into things. Those girls who have a gap between there arms and when they lay down don’t look huge.
I will never not have these problems.
I will never look in the mirror and accept myself. I will never have a thigh gap or twig arms. I will never have a slim image and a flat stomach. My hipbones won’t peak out and I will never look flattering in a bikini.
I will never be skinny.
I was given brown eyes But he, but he was given blue eyes.
Like the color of oceans and skies.
A color you would never forget.
You knew when he was sad his eyes would turn the color of a stormy sky, gray
Depending on what he wore his eyes would change. He had a pretty green to them sometimes.
I would never forget. How could I?
I look up to the sky and it would be like getting lost in his eyes all over again.
But that would be something I never get to do again.
Those eyes never glance at me anymore.
Those eyes don’t tell stories of the love he had for me anymore.
Those eyes will never be mine to gaze into anymore.
For those eyes shine bright for another pair of eyes.
For those eyes shed their last tear for me.
Those eyes now looking back were an ice color the chill I feel down my back whenever I think back on our memories.